thinking about the future. hoping to forget the past. struggling through the now.
no matter what. my heart beats strong. my spirit pulses free. my mind journeys beyond the moment.
a runner. waiting for the perfect race. counting down the seconds. taking the pose. head bowed. knees arched. fingers pressed into the earth.
the world crawls to an aching stillness.
all of creation fixes into perfect silence.
the pop hits the air
stay the course
pound the dirt until every limb burns
there is no other choice
i can’t stop
until i touch the void
step across the finish
bring down the boundaries
break the binds
see the eternal light
Write til my fingers cramp
Write about everything
til the words live on their own
til I can feel my heart beat again
til the possibilities don’t scare me
til the veil is lifted
sun beams break free
til I find what I’m looking for
til I understand what I’m living for
til I feel the kiss of forever
til I embrace what
What..I will be.
What..I long for.
will i ever find you
I started off writing this post with a bit of sadness in my heart and a tiny..almost imperceptable..tear in one eye.
Just like wandering off for a long walk and then noticing that I have become lost in an unfamiliar stretch of woods, I sometimes I forget..become completely oblivious…to the reasons why I dropped everything to explore this unknown path toward becoming a real author. It’s so easy to become lost in the hype of following sales and stats, to become swayed by reviews and ravings, and to settle into helplessness and discouragement when the future suddenly dims and possibilities seem to dry up like a dying river. Sometimes I forget to follow my own advice and to never stop imaging that dreams sometimes do come to vivid life and that love does have the power to conquer all obstacles. I sometimes forget to dismiss my fear of failure and to control my impatience to cross that final finish line called ‘success’. Sometimes I forget to just write! and to embrace whatever the energy flowing from my spirit and pouring through my fingertips produces.
A few nights ago, I attended my little niece’s eighth grade graduation. Her principal topped the ceremony off with a rousing speech that had adults and children alike nodding our heads with a renewed gleam of hope and optimism in our sparkling eyes..In short, she said to find out what stirs your heart and to pursue that love every day with every ounce of energy you can summon up..She said our passion to pursue our dreams should set the world on fire and should motivate others to earnestly do the same..We should strive to achieve our goals and encourage others along the way. It left me wondering…sincerely pondering…Is this what I have been doing over this past year of full-time writing? Or have I been twiddling my thumbs while waiting for that mythical ‘easy’ button to drop in my lap? Have I been pursuing my dream with bold effort or with a shy glance? More importantly, have I been using my persuasive words to light a spark of hope and enthusiasm in the lives of those I encounter..whether on e-paper or in real life..or been selfishly waiting for my own praise and recognition?
Every now and again..somewhere between budgeting and blogging…drafting, editing and pushing off nightmares that I’ve wasted my life by putting off the opportunity to become the doctor my mom always told everyone I would someday be..I forget that this is my life, and I only get one, so I need to live it to the fullest and stop shunning the wonderful gift, and the rare opportunity to share this talent, that I’ve been blessed with. Even as I finish-up typing and re-reading this post, I can feel a twinge of optimism for a brighter tomorrow returning.
It is my belief that we all want to know..without any doubts or confusion..what our purpose is..What tugs us from bed, pushes us toward the door, and urges us to trudge through yet another day of sometimes very steep hills and extremely deep valleys, other than merely trying to exist for another twenty-four hours? Some people are born to make others laugh, some to inspire, others to heal, many to be great parents and role models…I think my place in this world is to add a few splashes of colorful romance to a sometimes mundane workday..to evoke daydreams of forever on a quiet afternoon..to share hints of my inner world..resilient hope, everlasting love..the slightest glimmer of faith that perhaps true happiness is awaiting us to break free and to reach out and capture that perfect moment of bliss..to touch the golden horizon. Every once in a while I get a reminder that I’ve helped a random heart to feel such vibrant emotions. In those fleeting minutes, I begin to remember what it means to be alive and worthy of the space I occupy on this beautiful earth…Hugs and smiley faces to all..LL♥
…I went for a walk in the rain yesterday and experienced the second most-refreshing moment of the day (of the past month actually)…
I try to escape the keyboard at least once a week (twice on the weekend for good behavior 🙂 ) but my mind was restless for a break from staring at the screen. As I looked out the window, a beautiful sunrise had transitioned over to heavy cloud cover during the latter part of the morning. The sky was still relatively serene, so I decided to take a chance on trying to out-race the approaching April shower to the nearby park. Walking along in quiet seclusion down the riverbank, I ended up at the sandy cutout where fisherman, kayakers, and rowers launch their boats. I watched the river stroll by like a sheet of shimmering silver, it’s pulsing waves rolling up and over the small sand dunes a few feet away. It was at that moment when I did something I almost never do…I stopped thinking. I let go of worries, anxieties, frustrations, even hopes and dreams and just existed in that very second. Slight breeze rolling over my skin, filtered sunlight flowing from above, a family of Canadian geese being carried along with the gentle current, raindrops beginning to sprinkle across the watery surface and pelt the soft sandy shore in front of me. Standing there in awe and silence, I realized some amazing discoveries…I could breathe…I could see…I could hear…I could feel…I had two legs to stand on and two arms to stretch toward the heavens with. How had I forgotten about all of these wonderful blessings? Better question, why would I allow myself to forget to be thankful for every chance I can use them to truly experience the fullness of life? Even though there was no one else standing nearby, I had a sudden feeling I wasn’t watching the glimmering water alone. I’m never truly alone, never as heart-broken as I sometimes feel, never as discouraged as I like to believe. Why? Because every once in awhile…exactly when I am in greatest need…I get a glimpse at my true inspiration…I stop trying to fall in love with people, things, or places, and I start to pursue my perfect romance once again…
A finger drops from the clouds and I connect with forever…Just breathe, wrap yourself in this moment, cherish what you have, share a smile with a distant stranger…Live, laugh, love…
The day had turned cloudy, but sunrise was still dawning in my heart…I didn’t even mind that my freshly pressed hair was working overtime to curl up again 😛 ..LL♥
- Breathing in Love (teachingsofmasters.wordpress.com)